No one but no one mangles the English language quite like Archie Bunker of 74 Hauser St. Flushing Queens!
Here is Season Two of Norman Lear’s groundbreaking social commentary – highlighting some of the best Archie Bunkerism…
 ALL IN THE FAMILY – SEASON TWO
Season One Here!
THE SAGA OF COUSIN OSCAR
Archie-“Well that does it, that’s the thing that broke the straw. I’m gonna get rid of that freeloader right now! I’m gonna get rid of Oscar post and haste. Come on, come on get the food off the table. He’ll eat anything in sight that guy. Tell ya somethin’ family feeling can go just so far, then you gotta grab the bull by the CORNS and heave ho!”
GLORIA POSES IN THE NUDE
Archie- “I wanna tell you somethin’ I got no respect for a guy that’s spends his whole life gettin’ cheap thrills out of other people’s NUDITITY.
Mike-“No you wait a minute if you’re gonna start in again with that paranoia about Dzabo you can just forget it because he is a friend of mine and I trust him.”
Archie- “oh famous last word. That’s what Abel was sayin’ when he got it in the back from his own brother with a CANE… Now sit down here and let me tell you something about men. Men have got certain things… hormones…”
Mike-“Women have hormones too!”
Archie-“Theirs don’t mean nothing. Man’s hormones, they put ideas in his head and he goes around thinking of these ideas until one day he has to do something about it. See. To clear his mind. That’s right. And when that day comes when he’s gotta clear his mind, he don’t care with who he does it with. Now, I know guys who go after the wife of their best friend.”
Mike- “Ah come on Archie. What are you talking about?”
Archie–“Mike you gotta listen…. Well this might just be a father’s INTERMISSION but I smell a rat!”
ARCHIE AND THE LOCK-UP
Gloria–“Mom, I”m not sure he should have gone. He could get hurt or arrested.”
Archie–“Listen, nobody gets arrested in this country unless they deserve it. If he don’t go callin’ cops pigs or another of them EPAULETS, he’ll be alright.”
Archie-“Are you kiddin’ me, go to a commie demonstration! Wild HORNETS couldn’t drag me down there!”
Hippie Prisoner–“You mean you don’t dig Jesus Christ Superstar?!”
Archie–“Jesus Christ I dig and I dug him a long time before you weirdos turned him into a super star.
Hippie–” Brother, you walk in darkness. All over the world this music is turning young people onto Christ. Praise the Lord. And you condemn it!”
Archie–“Let met tell you something. Christ don’t want you turning onto to him He wants you comin’ to him on your knees not wiggling and jiggling’ til your parts fall off. What’s the use in talkin’ to yous. What a generation. We try to learn you something, try to teach you some religion, drag yous off to church and what do you do… You give us back the son of god, like he’s some kind of ENGLEBERT WHAT’S HIS DINK!“
EDITH WRITES A SONG
Edith–“Archie, Gloria and me saw this ad in a movie magazine it said, ‘Wanted Your Poems’. Top composers will set to music. So I wrote a poem and we sent it in and guess what!?”
Archie– “They loved it. Pass the salt.”
Edith -“He wasn’t a bit surprised.”
Archie–“Why should I be surprised Edith. I always knew you were a great POETRESS. Ever since that time I was sick and you send me that get well card. Never forget it. ‘Get well quick, Oh please do, cause I’m cryin’ Boo hoo hoo’.”
FLASHBACK MIKE MEETS ARCHIE
Gloria- “I asked you not to upset Michael tonight.”
Mike-“Gloria why shouldn’t he upset me. I mean why is tonight any different. Nothing’s changed. I’ve been puttin’ up with the same bull ever since the first time I met him.”
Archie-“Oh don’t remind me of that Meat Head, because that night is stamped INEDABLY on my heart. Along with other fond memories of the past like Pearl Harbor and the crash of the Hindenburg.”
Archie-“ I mean what’s going on around here. What are yous doin’? Linen napkins, when all I ever get is paper towels, I mean crab meat cocktails, where as the best I usually get is the canned fruit cup so small it looks like somebody et it before. And what’s this roast duckling!? The last time your mother made roast duckling for me… was never! Now you’re telling me to put on a tie. I mean what is it, who we entertaining here the Count of MONTE CRISCO!”
Edith- “Archie, please let him come back in, he’s really a very nice boy.”
Archie- “Nice boy! What’da mean nice boy. After he done what he done. Comin’ in here and making SUPPOSITORY remarks about his country!”
THE ELECTION STORY
Archie–“And further more, Claire Packer and her whole progressive party is sure losers. Now if you wanna pick a real winner.”
Gloria-” I’m not interested in picking a winner.”
Archie-“Well I knew that the day you married this guy.”
Mike-” Oh that’s funny Arch, very funny. Well let me tell you something. You don’t know anything about the progressive ticket.”
Archie-” I know one thing about this election. It’s gonna be won by Floyd J Landy, a distinguished INCRUMBENT.”
Archie– “Come on Meat Head you’re holdin’ up the whole line.”
Louise Jefferson–“Under S. Mrs. Edwards, Stivic, Michael.”
Archie-“While you’re checking see if he passed the LITERARACY test there.”
EDITH’S ACCIDENT
Archie-“You’re late because I like cling peaches?”
Edith–” In heavy syrup. Excuse me.”
Archie-” Wait a minute, wait a minute. There’s something funny going on. Why were you two hours at the supermarket”
Edith-” Well they’re having a sale at Ferguson’s Market. 4c off the medium size can and 2c off the large cans.”
Archie– “I don’t care.”
Edith–“And I have the coupons that you get 2c off every can.. (Archie interrupts)
Archie-“Edith hold it. You are INVADING the issue!”
Archie–“Then you’re in the clear after this whole rigmarole of a story. Where in a man can get ten heart attacks. It turns out she’s absolutely in the clear forget it!
Edith–“Oh Archie I’m so glad you’re not mad.”
Mike-“He’s not mad because he got away with something- so what if somebody else’s car is damaged. Archie Bunker saved 30 bucks.”
Archie–“Ah, 30 bucks in a PIG’S STY.“
Archie-“The man whose car you hit, you invited over here Edith?”
Edith-“No, I didn’t invite him, he just was calling from Smitty’s Garage where he brought his car in for repairs. He’s gonna have something to eat and come right over.”
Archie-“Well sure he’s gonna come right over Edith, to shake us down here. The dent in his car is hardly cold and he’s coming over here to claim his POUND OF FISH.”
Archie–“I think we’re in luck. This guy is a phony.”
Mike–“How do you know that?”
Archie–“don’t you never read the papers about all them UNFLOCKED priests running around. This priest here isn’t kosher and he never was.”
Archie-“Say father there, not that I want to be unfriendly to you or anything like that, but… What are you tryin’ to pull?”
Father Majeski–“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
Archie-“You oughta be ashamed of yourself a priest doin’ what you’re doin’.”
Father Majeski–“What are you talking about?”
Archie-“I know everybody does it, yeah like cheatin’ on the phone company, chiseling on your income tax. But you- a man of the cloth, hiding behind your HASSOCK, tryin’ to turn a dent in a fender into a pot of gold.”
THE BLOCKBUSTER
Archie-“This house is constructed way better than most of the new ones you see around today.”
Mike–“So are the Pyramids, but no one would want to live there.”
Archie– “You would if they let you in for nothin’.”
Gloria–“You still didn’t answer Michael’s question who would want to buy this house?”
Archie–“lots of people, little girl.”
Edith–“Oh I don’t know Archie.”
Archie –“Well alright Edith, I ain’t sayin’ everybody after all, one mans goose is another man’s DANDER. Chester Bird, this looks like a legitimate REALITY company here.
MIKE’S PROBLEM
Archie–“Say ah, Jefferson there, can I talk to you over here about some business.”
Henry Jefferson– “Sure, Sure What’s up?”
Archie–“Well this is kinda private, and it’s a little bit you know… delicate. I got this friend of mine, see, he’s having what you’d call CONUBIBLE difficulties.” That means he’s a married man but the problem with him eh, he’s stuck in neutral… It’s a well known fact that yous people, I mean ‘males’ when it comes to members of the opposite eh, you got a special kind of STANIMA.“
Henry Jefferson–“Oh, yeah I hear we’re very advanced in that department!”
THE INSURANCE IS CANCELLED
Archie–“I wanna tell yous all, life can be lousy. Don’t ask me how my day went you wouldn’t want to hear the answer. Get out of the chair there (To Mike) Hello Edith, how are you. You’re fine. Thank you very much. That’s all the talk I wanna hear out of ya, til further notice. And a dummy up Meat Head to you. Now that takes care of this here group. Where’s Gloria?”
Edith–“Well, She’s in the kitchen fixing dinner.”
Archie-“Now hear this all of yous, and pass the word to the kitchen. I’ve got a very serious problem here’s gonna take all of my thinking and all of my CONSECRATION... This is where I’m gonna be doing it here. Yous are all gonna be helpin’ me. How you may ask. By keepin’ your mouths shut. I want you all to synchronize your tongues to silence ready… begin.”
Edith–“Archie here’s something” (handing him a letter)
Archie–“Was I talkin’ too fast for ya Edith, or were your ears just too slow. Stifle yourself!”
Edith–“But Archie this letter.”
Archie-“Lick it, stamp it, and mail it, Edith. I got bigger fish to FLY.“
Edith-“Archie, I”m glad you’re home early cause Wendell called and says he’s comin’ before dinner.”
Archie-“Alright, before is good, cause if I had to face the bum on a full stomach I’d probably DETERGERATE.“
THE MAN IN THE STREET
Archie–“So tonight on the Walter Cronkite news. Guess who’s you’re gonna see there. Just think of somebody you all know and love.”
Edith–“Marcus Welby!”
Archie-“Ah geez when are they gonna come out with a pill for ding bat. NO EDITH!!! Me!!!!. I’m gonna be on the Cronkite news. Yeah me, yours truly. For once the great American public’s gonna get a change to hear the opinions of the real common man.”
Mike–“I can’t argue with that statement.”
Edith–“Oh Archie, it’s like having a tv star in the family ain’t it
Archie–“You could say that Edith.”
Gloria-“What’d ya say for the camera’s daddy?”
Archie–“Oh a lot of things, ya know, just on the SPERM of the moment.”
COUSIN MAUDE’S VISIT
Mike- “I’m not sitting next to Gloria she’s highly infectious she’s the one I caught this from in the first place.”
Gloria–“Don’t you blame that on me, I warned you I was coming down with something. Why’d you have to kiss me?”
Mike-“I liked you that day.” (open mouth coughs)
Archie–“Ah cut that out ha, you’re sprayin’ all your INFECTUOUS germs all over me…”
…Wait, wait, wait a minute Edith hold it. Stop running around get over here. Now we’re all gonna be down here, I’m gonna make up some rules here and regulations and PRIORORITIES. And the first PRIORORORITY is me cause I’m the one who’s really sick…”
…Edith (talking about why Maude hates Archie) “When she caught him drawing horns on a picture of President Roosevelt.”
Gloria–“Oh Cousin Maude liked President Roosevelt, ha, ma?”
Archie–“She was nuts about the guy.”
Edith–“Once she ran 30 blocks down Broadway just to catch up with his car and touch his hand.
Archie–“Certainly!… She was a New Deal FRENATIC.”
Archie-“What’d ya tryin’ to do give your germs a new lease on life.”
Gloria-“Come on daddy don’t be so grumpy. You should be happy we’re feeling better.”
Archie–“What, how can I be happy with that woman up there hangin’ around my neck like an ALBACROSS.”
CHRISTMAS DAY AT THE BUNKERS
Mike-“What’s the matter Arch, you’re acting like you’re giving up on Christmas this year. Why you so down. Where’s your Christmas spirit?”
Archie-“What do you mean. Who do you think hung that wreath on the door ha? One of Santi’s Ga’NOMES.”
…. Hey get out from under that mistletoe, you’re making it droop.”
Mike-“Archie will you quit being so sore.”
Gloria-“Yeah daddy cheer up you’re acting like Scrooge.”
Archie–“Ah, don’t Scrooge me, I’m the only one around here that understands the true and solemn meaning of Christmas. It’s a time for peace and quiet CONTEMTATION.”
Edith-“Oh but I think you’re allowed to be jolly too.”
Archie–“Sure you can be jolly Edith, just be jolly with your mouth shut!”
Archie-...”Certainly that’s the way it was for a long time. One religion til they started splittin’ off into all them other DENUMERATIONS there. Your Catholics, your PERSPITERIANS.”
EDITH’S PROBLEM
Gloria-“Daddy, you’re really on edge aren’t you?”
Archie- “Well why wouldn’t I be, why’d ya have to drag me down here to this fancy doctor, for your mother–the GROINOCOLOGIST guy.”
Gloria-“Gynecologist daddy.”
Archie-“Alright, Whatever!…
Archie-“I had to sit up there in the waitin’ room with all them women gawking at you. Who knows what they were thinkin’ Holy Cow!”
Archie giving Edith a command-“Get on the phone and call the lodge and confirm that the Bunkers is goin’ on a trip to Florida as PREDERANGED.”
ARCHIE AND THE FBI
Archie–“Edith, you see that empty house next to RIzzo’s there?”
Edith-“Yeah”
Archie–“You see the open window there. Was that window open yesterday?”
Edith–“Archie, I don’t know what you’re talking’ about.”
Archie–“Edith they put guys into houses like that to watch 24 hours a day through high powered SPECTACULARS!”
MIKE’S MYSTERIOUS SON
Archie-“Hey wait hold your horses hey, who’s this here?”
Mike-“That’s what we were trying to tell ya Arch.”
Archie-“Well go ahead and tell me Meat Head. What’s with the kid.”
Mike-“Well we don’t know.”
Gloria-“Mom said somebody brought him here.”
Archie-“Well I didn’t think he grew like a mushroom out of the chair. Who brought him?”
Edith-“Little boy, I brought you a nice glass of milk, Oh Archie! (realizing he’s home) You’re home!”
Archie-“No Edith, I’m still at work. What you see standing here is merely a PIGMENT of your imagination. Edith who is the kid?”
Edith- “Archie I need to talk to you.”
Archie- “Well gee, who’s the little kid here?”
Edith- “That’s just what I wanted to talk to you about.”
Archie-“Well Woopdy Doo! First time in 23 years our minds are SYNCRASIZED. Who’s the child!”
ARCHIE SEES A MUGGING
Archie to a cop–“I’ll tell ya right up front that I ain’t no what’d ya call witness to that there event.”
Edith–“That’s right officer, Archie said he didn’t see no mugging He didn’t see nothin’. Except a big bullet proof Cadillac from the Mafia.” (Archie cringes, hides his face in his hand)
Cop-“I think maybe you better come with me downtown to the precinct and make a complete statement to the detectives.”
Archie-“Wait a minute officer. I’ll tell you how I couldn’t see nothin’ The muggin’ was over here see. And I’m facing in this direction here.”
Cop–“And you’re facing in that direction.”
Archie–“And you know like they say, POSITION is 9/10ths of the law.”
EDITH GETS A MINK
Edith-“Archie don’t take me to no mink places.”
Mike-“Archie don’t take you to no places.”
Edith–“Oh Mike that ain’t fair. It’s true, but it ain’t fair.”
Mike-“What charity Arch. It’s a gift, it isn’t largesse.”
Archie–“I ain’t sayin’ it’s large S, small S or any kind of S. When I want my wife to have a fur coat I’ll buy her a fur coat.”
Edith–“You Will!!!?”
Archie–“Nooooo”
Gloria–“Daddy can’t you understand how ma feels about having her very own mink.”
Archie–“I can understand that she’s gonna give that fur cape back to the DeKuypers that’s all. Russ DeKuyper. He’s rich, he’s always LARDING it over the whole world. Spends his life looking for wounds to rub salt in.”
Mike–“Well he sure found one with you. You’re practically green with jealousy.”
Archie-“Now what are you talking about. Jealous of who Russ DeKuper. Why the man ain’t got a REGLEAMING feature.
Archie-“Your mother’s getting ding battier than ever with that cape around her there and that’s why that Russ DeKuper sent it over here to PERCOLATE my family against me!”
Archie–“I wanna throw that cape back in his face while I’m in the mood. Hello is that you Russ. This is Archie Bunker here. Yeah, uh Russ about that there fur cape you sent over here, well Edith cant use it. No no no she can’t take fur Russ. Cat fur, Rabbit, and thing like that, ya know, yeah, she’s go what do ya call these ALLURG-EZE… Yeah, oh Gesundheit in there Edith. I just wanna say when you come over Friday night you pick up the fur and you give it away to the SALAVATION army or something like that.”
ARCHIE IS JEALOUS
Archie–“Hey Edith what ever your doing’ stop I want you to take a look at this here. You know what this means it means, that your daughter here before she was married, well I ain’t gonna soil your ears by even sayin’ it, just read it yourself just go ahead.”
Gloria–“Daddy, you were reading my letters. How could you.”
Archie–“It wasn’t easy with all that PORNA-GRAPHEE there.
Archie–“Well if I ever see that Freddy Whithausen again. I’ll feather him in his own tar.
Edith–“I’m afraid you can’t do that Archie.”
Archie–“What’d ya mean, I can’t. Why not?”
Edith–“He died 6 years ago.”
Archie–“Lucky for him.”
Edith-“I remember when I read about his funeral in the paper I sent him a nice bouquet of flowers.
Archie–“You sent him flowers!”
Edith–“I guess I forgot to tell you about that”
Archie–“Yeah, I guess you forgot to tell me about that. Sure you did. It’s like that millions of other little things you always forget to tell me. Well that’s the straw that broke the camel’s neck!”
EDITH THE JUDGE
Edith –“Oh Archie I’m so worried about being a judge it’s a big responsibility.”
Archie –“Why its an open and shut case.”
Mike–“Open and shut. Ma hasn’t heard the evidence yet.”
Archie–“She’s gonna hear the evidence. I want her to hear the evidence. I just don’t want the evidence to get in the way that’s all.”
Edith–“In the way of what?”
Archie “In the way of a fair and honest decision.”
Edith-“Oh Archie you know I’ll do the honest thing.”
Archie–“Oh no hold it, hold it Edith. Now you know, there’s such a thing as being over honest, ya know any real judge’ll tell ya that… that’s bad.”
Edith–“Bad why?”
Archie–“Over anything is bad. Over working, over eating… IPSO FATSO, you know.”
